It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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