i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
