She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
