Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize