It's like a parade of train wrecks.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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