He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
