We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
