Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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