She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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