i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
