Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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