Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
you never un-have a 4some
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
