This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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