Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
