Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
