My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
