Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Me. At least after what I've been through.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
