Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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