that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
