every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
