i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
