you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
