If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
