If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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