dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
