i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize