WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
