I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
