Dignity is for republicans.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
