Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
