sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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