So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
