my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Damn victory sex feels great
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
