So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
