She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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