I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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