Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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