so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
All I want is dick and wine.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
