His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
