i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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