My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
