So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
