We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
