I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
