my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
