Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
