We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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