she woke up with a sticky ear
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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