capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
