no, he came in my armpit
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize