Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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