this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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