Umm I'm too high to move.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
