He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
