fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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