I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize