I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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