Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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