I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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