oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
