i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
